I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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