Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
