Pappa wants mamma naked
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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