Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
