He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
