I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
