Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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