You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize