Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
