my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
