if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
last night I used snow as a chaser
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