sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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