I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
