spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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