the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize