if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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