Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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