he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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