I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
