just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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