I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
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