I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
