The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
