I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
