Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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