Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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