I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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