I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
false alarm, still single
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
