I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
