My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
