The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
