How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
