He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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