I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
