dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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