Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
