I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
