yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize