i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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