Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Randomize
