Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
