Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Shame - the story of my life.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
