my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize