3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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