On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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