I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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