clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
