yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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