happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
