Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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