Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
