loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Randomize
