mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
