he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
