We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
