So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
