angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
