I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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