Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
