I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
