I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
