spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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