Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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