3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
